Being a Mom

I thought I'd share a little about my motherhood experience thus far. 

When I took the pregnancy test last December and realized I was going to be responsible for another life I will admit there was a little hesitation in the back of my mind. Overall I was thrilled with the news we were going to have a baby, but there was always the "what if I don't make a good mom" question rolling around in the back of my mind. I'm sure that happens to every woman in that situation at some point in time, no matter what kind of a person you are. 

Throughout pregnancy I was thrilled and loved each moment. Toward the end I started worrying that I would miss the feeling of our (then) little squishy kicking and moving around once he/she was born. There were times where I didn't want it to end...I wanted to stay pregnant forever!! And I can only say that because of the great pregnancy I had.

How it changes so fast though. Once Alyson was born and I saw Justin interacting with her (before I ever saw her) I was in love with her. The love I had for her at that moment in the OR is so different from any love I had experienced prior to that point. I love my family, I love my dogs, and I love Justin...but this was something completely different. Some people had tried to prepare me for these feelings, but I didn't comprehend that level of love. And there are no words to describe what I mean...if you're a Mom, you know exactly what I'm talking about though. For those few short minutes, all worries were gone about raising her and doing a good job at it.

When asked while pregnant what I hoped we were having or if I had a feeling one way or the other on boy or girl, I could never commit to one. Deep down I think I wanted a boy though. And I had been known to tell some people that I would be fine with all boys...and I would have been. Ultimately I just wanted a healthy baby. For some reason the thought of having a girl terrified me. When Alyson was born, one of the nurses said, "What is it, Dad?" Justin didn't respond right away and I was just lying there looking up at him anxiously waiting for the answer. I just knew he was going to say, "A boy." But the moment he said, "It's a girl!!" I began crying and could not stop. I won't say I was disappointed...I was truly shocked!! My emotions were from a mix of actually having a baby in this world that I was responsible for, fear of the unknown, how in the world I was going to raise a girl...and survive it, being thrilled that it was finally over and we had a healthy baby to show for it, falling deeper in love with Justin as I watched how excited he was as he told me how beautiful she was. It's really just an overwhelming experience.

That first night in the hospital was hard. Trying to teach a baby to nurse when I didn't know myself what I was doing was difficult...especially going on 2 1/2 hours of sleep, still having anesthesia in my system, and getting so sleepy every time she tried to eat. We pushed through though and are still here today to tell about it. Since that time, we've had our ups and downs...but every moment has been worth it 100%.

Being a Mom is nothing like what I thought it would be. It's a lot harder than I imagined. From having trouble working out breastfeeding to trying to comfort a screaming baby all night long with no success is not easy. It gets better each day though. She's doing great eating now...and the pain with feeding her gets better each day as everything is healing. And no more long nights of her crying and us sleeping on the couch now that we have the reflux figured out. She sleeps in her own bed in our room and I actually get some decent sleep at night...for 2 hours at a time! :) I've learned to just take it a day at a time. If at the end of the day I didn't get anything on my list to do accomplished, that's ok...what matters is I have spent the day meeting all of Alyson's needs and we both survived it. I know she's not going to stay little for long so I try to enjoy it as much as I can.

For every trying moment, there are double the rewarding moments. God really knew what He was doing when he created the nature of babies. I just can't get enough of watching her sleep, watching her smile, watching her kick her legs, playing with her toes, her hand holding my finger, her snuggling her head on my chest as she sleeps, learning to hold her head up, watching her dream, watching her look around at her surroundings so curiously...I could go on and on. About the time I get mad at her for pinching, scratching, or hitting me while she's pitching a fit...she falls asleep and starts dreaming and smiling and I fall in love with her all over again. 

As much as I really wanted a boy...I do have to admit that God knew what he was doing giving us a girl. She's sweet, precious, and beautiful and there's just something about her that's irresistible. Her Daddy is wrapped around her finger...as well as all her Grandparents. Ok, and maybe I am too. :) There are so many things I look forward to doing with her as she grows up that are girl things, and so many firsts for her to experience...but I don't even want to go there now. I want to just enjoy the time I have with her because I know she's going to grow up a lot faster than I'd like her to.

Now as I sit here watching her sleep in her swing, I cannot imagine life without Alyson. I feel like she's always been a part of my life even though it's only been 5 weeks (plus 9 months). I'm truly blessed with my little miracle. The best thing about being a Mom is the connection I have with Alyson. Knowing that she feels safe, trusts me, and depends on me for everything really puts it all into perspective. It can be stressful (and scary) at times and can feel like the world is on my shoulders...because her world really is. But to be able to pick her up when she's crying and comfort her, or to see her sweet smile, or how excited she gets when she sees the ceiling fan melts my heart and makes all the trying times completely worth it. Being a Mom is the best job in the world. I'm going to have such a hard time leaving her to go back to work in 2 weeks. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes even now. I'd give anything to be able to stay home with her and raise her...even though it would be a much harder job than just going back to work. Haha!!